My 2015 of “NEW”

We celebrate, we toast, we wish and we hope for new beginnings with the welcoming of a new year. It’s the magic of that belief in a better self and a better experience on this Earth that is the true magic of “new” for me. In no other time in the year do people believe whole heartily that they have the internal power to better their situation, find new inner love, make financial gains and remove what may be the cinderblocks bringing them down.

In 2015 I am looking at five key words to help me be a better me not only for my self but for those around me. My keywords are; charity, fitness, positivity, love and balance!

Though this change will not occur over night and I may falter along the way the reminder that I wanted to make these changes on this day will keep me motivated. For all of you looking for those resolutions, goals, wishes or miracles I encourage you to find keywords and write them down. Write them down everywhere.

Charity: I found myself “bored” in 2014 on occasion. Sitting at home and wondering how to keep myself busy. In 2015 I want to fill some of that vacant time with charitable contributions. Not just financial but time and communication. The Kind Campaign is going to be a big part of my 2015.

Fitness: This seems to be one that I share with 7 billion people and for good reason. We are part of a world that gives us a vast amount of BIG data. We have information at our fingertips to help us live better, longer and more positive lives and I am guilty of not using this knowledge to my advantage. I see it as taking an open book test and not bringing your book. We need to make smarter choices to strengthen our hearts, widen our smiles and hopefully widdle our middle!

Positivity: In 2015 I want to be my own light. I want to be my own positive energy that not only makes me happier but makes those around me happier. I want to smile 10 times more than I frown and I want to trigger laughter over disappointment. There are just too many negative messages, images and stories that pass by our faces everyday – and unfortunately we can’t control that. But you know what we can control? We can control our decision to wake up happy… everyday.

Love: I want to love so much in 2015 that it hurts (in the best possible way). I owe my family, friends and even strangers more love than I gave in 2014. I truly believe that you receive the love that you give so as I walk through 2015 I hope to receive new love as wide as a valley and as deep as the sea.

Balance: My most difficult goal. I promise myself that in 2015 I will aim to create balance in my life: in all aspects. If the President can take a vacation than so can I and I will write that sentence everywhere to remind myself. I want to balance the time I give to others and the time I give to myself because though selflessness is the sexiest word of 2015 in my mind we all need and deserve some “me” time. I want to balance my food, my drinking and my activities to ensure that I am living the healthiest and most positive life.

Wishing everyone the most incredible start to 2015! Please be kind, happy and remember to give back!

Shine on,

Becky

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11 Ways to Survive the Holidays… Single

1. Avoid eye contact with all family members over the age of 45. I don’t know what it is about that age but it seems to trigger the pathetic look and all-to-often used question, “any boys in your life?” Just keep your eyes on the bacon. (No really… just look for the bacon on the food table… it’ll help!)

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2. Stay far away from picture-perfect backdrops. This will ensure that you do not run into an overly loving couple just waiting for a single sloth to come their way to snap their oh-so-perfect Instgram post. This includes the tree at Rockefeller Center, any parade, Company party, etc. #LoveFilter #BestFriend #Holidays #LoveHim #ManCrushEveryday

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3. Block all people that use any of the hashtags in #2.

4. Make up a perfect guy you are “seeing”. I’d aim for the astronaut or the doctor as they would have valid excuses for not making it to the family holiday party. If you are asked for a full name, date of birth, mother’s maiden name or social security number form either set of grand parents refer back to step #1.

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5. Remove that Michael Bolton Holiday CD (not that we have CDs anymore but it ads to the vision) and replace it with Beyonce’s Single Ladies. Duh. If you were dating someone you probably wouldn’t have enough time to learn the entire dance… remind yourself of that!

6. Remember that your barista loves you and will miss you over the Holidays.

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7. Convince yourself you are building an empire and working on your fitness. Now actually go to the gym and work on your fitness. Beach season is the new cuffing season.

8. Make a list of all the famous people in the world who are your age and are also single. Taylor Swift for instance… now her and I just need to be on the same page with selecting friends.

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9. Use words like “locked down” & “ball and chain” in place of “better half” or “love of my life.

10. Scroll through your Facebook profile. There is bound to be some bully from high school posting holiday photos with her 10 kids and three baby daddys. Remember… it could always be worseeeeeeee.

11. And if all else fails… Call your single girlfriends, find a fire place, add extra Baily’s whipped cream on your hot chocolate and put Love Actually on repeat… just know there will always be Tinder next year.

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Best Drink for A Holiday Party

Let me tip my Santa hat to The Ainsworth in NYC for serving up what I believe to be the best Holiday cocktail for the season. They also so graciously supplied me with the recipe so we can all make our co-workers a little more tipsy Merry this Holiday season!

The Harvest

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Glassware: Rock Glass

Ice: Fill 3/4 to the rim with ice

Ingredients: Ketel One, Apple Cider, Bitters, Lime Juice, Cinnamon Syrup & Ginger Beer

Garnish: Crystallized Ginger

Measurements

1.5 ketel citrus

0.75 apple cider

1.5 lime juice

1.75 cinnamon syrup

a dash of bitters

topped with ginger beer

50 Thoughts During the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

Here are 50 of the 2,371 thoughts Nicole and I had during last night’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show! 

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  1. Fuck it. Eating Ice Cream.
  2. Should have done dishes… need a spoon!
  3. I didn’t eat all day so this ice cream is fine- it balances itself out
  4. I shouldn’t eat…. anything. Ever
  5. I wonder if the wings weigh more than them
  6. I weigh more than them AND the wings… separately or combined
  7. I don’t think I have that leg muscle that is on the inside of their thighs
  8. I love my body- I love my body (I would 100% no questions asked trade my body)
  9. You 100% did not eat that
  10. Those behind-the-scenes cuts to them eating must be stunt doubles
  11. WHERE ARE YOUR RIBS?
  12. How many angels does it take to tie those shoes- I wear slippers and UGGs to avoid tying my shoes…
  13. What is the air like at 6-5?
  14. They obviously tape delay for photo shopping time
  15. Nine-day tape delay for a bazillion models (rough estimate)… it would take an editor an extra 8 days to just photo shop me. I would be cut because I would ruin the on-air broadcast deadline.
  16. Hot or not… me wearing 4 foot wings in the bedroom?
  17. Definitely hot.  Where are wings sold?
  18. I think this is more for women than men… I get the meaning of a girl crush… I don’t question those feelings… they are natural… God wants us ALL to love angels.
  19. Fuck this
  20. Fall, fall, fall, fall
  21. DO NOT WINK AT ME, I WILL END YOU
  22. I’d fall… I fell in my UGGs last night
  23. Sober
  24. If I went to the gym for 6 hours a day for the next 200 years I wouldn’t look like that
  25. So much bronzer
  26. That’s it?  That’s all you do for your workout regimen…Jump rope and 10 sit ups a day?  LIES.  Your name is LIAR.
  27. Grocery list; bronzer, shaving cream, skin tightening cream, bread, ice cream, milk, pasta, hummus, chips and guac, anything solid, anything not water
  28. That Church song is getting so much playing time
  29. OK I lied, that wink was amazing.  I should start winking more.
  30. I look more like the guy singing this church song than I do the models
  31. If I was the executive producer I would have Sam Smith enter stage left right….. NOW
  32. I can see the top and bottom of the ribbon wrapped around their stomachs
  33. You would just see skin if I tightly tied ribbon around my stomach
  34. I should test this theory
  35. Proven true… cannot see ribbon
  36. I would have easily been 2 points higher on the hotter scale in 1950
  37. I love my curves
  38. Andddd now i’m crying into my Lean Cuisine.
  39. I wonder if the words on the back of that underwear reads the same if it’s a little stretched out
  40. Can you lose weight from crying?
  41. If I go to the gym everyday this month I will reward myself with new bra and underwear
  42. I caved… ordered bra and underwear in one-size smaller
  43. #Thinspiration
  44. I just made chickpea cookie dough… please kill me
  45. I wonder why there are no food sponsors…hahah just kidding
  46. If I date a guy that wants me to look like that he better be Ryan Gosling in all movies minus Drive… ok he was super hott in Drive
  47.  I wonder if my Target brand underwear would look good on the runway…
  48. Im literally doing squats with Ben & Jerrys in one hand and my spoon in the other
  49. I hate this
  50. I wonder where next year’s show will be.
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5 Moments I Ignored The Feeling of Guilt

I am sure I’ve run into Karma, my dear friend, about a million times but have either subconsciously or very consciously chosen to ignore her and the guilt that certain situations bring me. Below are some of these instances…

1. Grocery Store Parking Spot

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I’m not sure when the parking lots of grocery stores became the most inexpensive 24-Hour Fitness facilities but I don’t like it. The amount I have to walk from my car to the automatic door has transformed from a casual brisk where I can send a text or two to becoming enough time for me to call my mother for our “weekly chats.” The once-was frozen tundra of the produce section now has become my post-workout cool down after the five miles I racked up on the way in. I mean they literally have to number and color code the light posts in the parking lot to ensure that no one gets lost or dizzy on their return back to their car. So what do I do when I foresee this situation unfolding? I take a quick loop to the front row of the parking lot and park my car in the “carrying child” spot, push my tummy out and walk 10 steps with that “new mommy” glow.

Ok, maybe I just put my head down and walk in ashamed… but that’s not the point.

2. The Carpool Lane

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I don’t feel as bad about this one because me and myself use the carpool lane to get back at those that stay in the left lane when not passing. Those people are absolutely going to face Karma way worse than I am so my illegal graze into the black diamond of “get me there quicker” is justified. In an effort not have to increase my medication intake in a direct result of those that for some God-knows reason can’t feel me on their back or haven’t noticed that nine cars are passing them while simultaneously death staring them on the right I make my left hand merge with no one in the car except my biggest fan, myself.

And then I get back over to the right because I never get in trouble and Mr. Cop-man didn’t see the above explanation as a good enough excuse.

3.  The Pretend Phone Call

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There is a Hunter Hays song that says “crowded hallways are the loneliest places.” I’m pretty convinced that crowded hallways are actually the places where I end up when I have no makeup and sweatpants on and the meeting place where the entire population of people I don’t want to see or speak to gather to attempt to see and speak to me. At these moments of complete panic I do what any logical, problem-solving Jack Bauer-esq human would do… I pretend I am on my phone and looking at something very serious at my feet. The conversations I have with myself range from those where I nod my head a lot (I always forget when I am pretend talking on the phone that I need to actually talk) all the way to me overly understanding whatever the silence is telling me on the other end. A little tip for those out there that seem to run into this guilt-filled situation: MAKE SURE YOUR PHONE IS ON SILENT.

4. Signing into someone else’s Netflix, Spotify or PandoraOne

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I am on the other side of this coin as there is a person out there in the world that knows my Pandora One (yes I still use this) password and logs on every single day changing my damn pre-populated station to “The Neptunes”. At first I thought I had the perfect way to get back at this music menace and that was to switch the station to Justin Bieber or Glee in the hopes that while this evil person was jamming out with their friends the switch would occur and they would be overly embarrassed. About three months, four passwords and a shit-tone of ads geared towards the fact that I listen to Justin Bieber I gave up on trying to figure out what was going on. I lost the battle but you can bet your bottom dollar (another popular morning choice of mine) that I have not given up on the war.

5. Returning anything a L.L. Bean

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The lifetime guarantee at L.L. Been still feels too good to be true and unfortunately it sets up the perfect opportunity for exploitation for those of us that have returned a backpack or two where the mystery behind the broken zipper may not be as mysterious as we play out. I try hard not to feel guilty about this situation as it is the core of L.L. Bean’s corporate mission but I still can’t look the clerk in the eyes when I hand back my monogrammed yellow and black backpack in hopes to get the red one because my personal favorite color has changed over the past school year.

 

Ok… well I feel better now that I got all of that off my chest. Cheers to me attempting to stop cutting corners!

Best,

B

3 Times You Almost Lost All Hope

1. When your mom leaves you in line at the grocery store to “grab something she forgot”… without a form of payment 

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I blame my mother for my extreme anxiety because of the torture she used to put me through at the grocery store. Let me set the scene… you are being the best daughter ever, neatly stacking the groceries on the conveyer built, trying to put them up there as quick as you can so you can get to the real fun… bagging, when all of a sudden your mom says “darn, I forgot the bread”. You don’t think anything of it at the time because you are trapped between your cart and the woman’s cart in front of you and the only thing you can think of is that you can now sneak a pack of gum on the belt while your mom is gallivanting in carbs. About 30 seconds into your gum-themed daydream the sound of a check being ripped out of a check book calls your attention as the woman in front of you has now completed her transaction and your groceries start to cross the threshold only to be stopped by the scanner for a brief second. You look up at the cashier in pure horror because your mother, the woman who is supposed to love you unconditionally has left you moneyless and hopeless for what seems to be hours to find bread which is clearly labeled to be molding in aisle 7. As you try to hide your panic you begin to calculate the amount of time you have left before you either start crying or jump the conveyer belt and sprint out of the store. You calculate that you only have about 45 seconds left and while standing on your tip toes peering over the US Weekly wall you realize the line behind you has gotten longer… this my friends is what I call the point of no return. You then start to convince yourself “she wouldn’t really leave me like this, right? she wouldn’t leave me to fend for myself? She has to be coming back.” And as the cashier gets to the very last items and searches the apple for a 4-digit number on the sticker you hear a familiar voice that resembles that of the devil becoming an angel… your mom. For all that is holy she is back, she found the god damn bread and she hands over her credit card like it’s no big thing and you wipe your brow, take your first breath and casually slip the packet of gum into your back pocket. For all the distress she has caused you, you deserve that gum.

2. When you send a text to the wrong person

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I believe in karma for one reason and one reason only; when I am talking shit about someone via text I absolutely, no question about it, send that shit-talking text to the person I am shit talking. I don’t know what it is about my brain that wants me to torture myself but I guess I deserve it and I guess it’s my own personal way of trying to teach myself a lesson. My sophomore year of college I received a text from this man, let’s call him Brett, asking me if I wanted to grab lunch with him. Not a big deal but I wasn’t feeling it because in college I’m 99.9% sure I was scared shitless of dating. So I did what any normal 20 year old would do and I texted my girlfriend, let’s call her Jen, the following text message…

Jen! That kid just asked me to lunch and in no way am I going to suffer through that for an hour. Give me an excuse of why I can’t make it… stomach bug? death in the family?….

Send.

And as close to being at the top of the largest drop in roller coaster history my stomach beat my mind in realizing what I had just done. The moral of the story is that Brett and I never went to lunch… shocker… but he did call me and text me to remind me of ho much of an immature bitch I was, a reminder that I very clearly did not need. That was the second time I lost all hope.

3. When your only prospect is taken from you…

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Dating in 2014… Sux #NoButReally

Let me preface this by saying that any mention of online dating sites, apps, paid services, heavy day dreaming, psychiatric help, etc., that will be mentioned in this post was ONLY done for SCIENTIFIC research and in no way is how I spend my nights and weekends.

Now that that is out of the way let’s get serious here for a second. Dating in 2014 sucks… it sucks a lot. We live in an overly visual world where if we don’t have 17 billion ice cream flavor options we think we are getting the short end of the stick and just move on to the next parlor without having a single taste. My neck literally hurts from keeping it on a swivel during a one-hour brunch just waiting and watching for some eye candy to approach, make eye contact and then kiss his girlfriend (or boyfriend) waiting for them on the corner. But it’s not the looking that is the issue, we all are Wilson (tool time reference), peering over the fence every chance we get. We are always looking for better, or wondering what else is out there, and never ever ever being satisfied because when the options are endless the looking becomes endless. The problem comes down to how we communicate… or in 2014 how we don’t. #getit?

Side thought: I think I would be better off living in a village with five total males. I could just line them up, have a quick chat and make my decision. And don’t roll your eyes, I am well aware that there might be .02% chance that the #1 on my list decides to go with the slutty butter churner down the way… but it’s my fantasy so unroll those eyes. 

So let’s make our way back to a city of more than five guys for a second and figure out what the issue is because it definitely (italicized for dramatic effect) is not me.

Aziz Ansari hit the nail (the single) on the head (finger with no ring) when he stated that “you are a secretary for this really shotty organization, scheduling the dumbest shit with the flakiest people ever.”

Thanks to social media, “read” features on texts, geotags and those three dots that make up 90% of this country’s anxiety and high blood pressure —> Image we are always connected which for some “i’m not crazy” reason makes us expect that people should ALWAYS be connecting with us. Just because I have three phones that balance between two carpal tunneled hands does not mean I want a guy who I can share my muscle relaxing medication with. Actually, I want the opposite. Case-in-point: Another Problem.

We want a nice, calm, friendly guy who looks like Tom Brady, is built like Zac Efron (just taller), acts like Ryan Gosling who is scripted by Nicholas Sparks. He is busy saving the world, caring for puppies and cooking amazing dinners all while running his very own company and we expect this man to be texting us non stop, calling us when they hear a song that reminds them of us and checking in just to say “hi”.

That’s not how it works and now we know it. Instead of the poetic texts that equal out to a perfect 1:1 ratio we get super encrypted messages that may or may not elude to the fact that there is a chance the person, who calls you babe, is free to grab a drink or something, winky face. And then… radio silence only to broken on the VERY DAY you stop thinking about them.

We throw on our decoder hat, call upon our squad (the girls and a few guy friends) and start to get to work on if this guy, who (in case you forgot) calls you babe, is also calling the entire female population that and just waiting on the best plans to make his decision or is madly in love and is just too busy curing cancer.

For clarification sake it has only been the latter one time…

And after much deliberation (stalking)  you decide that yes, it is true that there are plenty of fish in the sea but you know what? Fish are slimy and don’t have thumbs to text anyway.

In an effort not to release a novel in the body of a single blog I will list this out for you (for myself). After intensive scientific research, countless dollars to memberships on the world wide web, and interviews with fellow single ladies I have come to the following conclusions…

In 2014…

… you can sleep with someone every week for an entire year and not be “dating” someone

… a swipe left or a swipe right is as much time as you have to make an impression

… a screen shot can make your heart drop about as fast as when your parents found you smoking pot in the back yard at 15

… you can be called babe and have a face with hearts as eyes on one incoming text and an hour later get called the “Sarah” when your name is in fact (you double checked…twice) nothing close to Sarah

… you can have someone like and comment on all of your Instagram selfies, and NEVER ask for your number

… you can say wake up to a text at 2am that says “Wats up” from someone you haven’t spoken to in a year and answer back “just working, you?” to never hear from them again

… you can pay for dinner because you are a girl and you want equality and paying for dinner shows that

… you can find out someones first and last name that you saw at a bar because he was wearing a Duke sweatshirt, had an official Duke baseball hat and looks about 27 years old

… friends don’t set other friends up

… “I went into your Facebook and saw you messaging that girl” sounds innocent but in fact should be the equivalent of opening someone else’s mail.

Feel free to throw me some more bullets to add in the comments and I will pretend to believe you when you say “this happened to a friend of mine, this isn’t about me”. We are all rocking the same single’s cruise, tallying who texts first and keeping track of that white to green text-bar ratio so when someone calls you “crazy” just take your pills and walk away because this shit is about as stable as Jennifer Lawrence in heels, as confusing as the Raiders doing well during the draft and as frustrating as explaining how to use gchat to your grandparents.

Cupid’s speed.

B