1. Avoid eye contact with all family members over the age of 45. I don’t know what it is about that age but it seems to trigger the pathetic look and all-to-often used question, “any boys in your life?” Just keep your eyes on the bacon. (No really… just look for the bacon on the food table… it’ll help!)
2. Stay far away from picture-perfect backdrops. This will ensure that you do not run into an overly loving couple just waiting for a single sloth to come their way to snap their oh-so-perfect Instgram post. This includes the tree at Rockefeller Center, any parade, Company party, etc. #LoveFilter #BestFriend #Holidays #LoveHim #ManCrushEveryday
3. Block all people that use any of the hashtags in #2.
4. Make up a perfect guy you are “seeing”. I’d aim for the astronaut or the doctor as they would have valid excuses for not making it to the family holiday party. If you are asked for a full name, date of birth, mother’s maiden name or social security number form either set of grand parents refer back to step #1.
5. Remove that Michael Bolton Holiday CD (not that we have CDs anymore but it ads to the vision) and replace it with Beyonce’s Single Ladies. Duh. If you were dating someone you probably wouldn’t have enough time to learn the entire dance… remind yourself of that!
6. Remember that your barista loves you and will miss you over the Holidays.
7. Convince yourself you are building an empire and working on your fitness. Now actually go to the gym and work on your fitness. Beach season is the new cuffing season.
8. Make a list of all the famous people in the world who are your age and are also single. Taylor Swift for instance… now her and I just need to be on the same page with selecting friends.
9. Use words like “locked down” & “ball and chain” in place of “better half” or “love of my life.
10. Scroll through your Facebook profile. There is bound to be some bully from high school posting holiday photos with her 10 kids and three baby daddys. Remember… it could always be worseeeeeeee.
11. And if all else fails… Call your single girlfriends, find a fire place, add extra
Baily’s whipped cream on your hot chocolate and put Love Actually on repeat… just know there will always be Tinder next year.