I am sure I’ve run into Karma, my dear friend, about a million times but have either subconsciously or very consciously chosen to ignore her and the guilt that certain situations bring me. Below are some of these instances…
1. Grocery Store Parking Spot
I’m not sure when the parking lots of grocery stores became the most inexpensive 24-Hour Fitness facilities but I don’t like it. The amount I have to walk from my car to the automatic door has transformed from a casual brisk where I can send a text or two to becoming enough time for me to call my mother for our “weekly chats.” The once-was frozen tundra of the produce section now has become my post-workout cool down after the five miles I racked up on the way in. I mean they literally have to number and color code the light posts in the parking lot to ensure that no one gets lost or dizzy on their return back to their car. So what do I do when I foresee this situation unfolding? I take a quick loop to the front row of the parking lot and park my car in the “carrying child” spot, push my tummy out and walk 10 steps with that “new mommy” glow.
Ok, maybe I just put my head down and walk in ashamed… but that’s not the point.
2. The Carpool Lane
I don’t feel as bad about this one because me and myself use the carpool lane to get back at those that stay in the left lane when not passing. Those people are absolutely going to face Karma way worse than I am so my illegal graze into the black diamond of “get me there quicker” is justified. In an effort not have to increase my medication intake in a direct result of those that for some God-knows reason can’t feel me on their back or haven’t noticed that nine cars are passing them while simultaneously death staring them on the right I make my left hand merge with no one in the car except my biggest fan, myself.
And then I get back over to the right because I never get in trouble and Mr. Cop-man didn’t see the above explanation as a good enough excuse.
3. The Pretend Phone Call
There is a Hunter Hays song that says “crowded hallways are the loneliest places.” I’m pretty convinced that crowded hallways are actually the places where I end up when I have no makeup and sweatpants on and the meeting place where the entire population of people I don’t want to see or speak to gather to attempt to see and speak to me. At these moments of complete panic I do what any logical, problem-solving Jack Bauer-esq human would do… I pretend I am on my phone and looking at something very serious at my feet. The conversations I have with myself range from those where I nod my head a lot (I always forget when I am pretend talking on the phone that I need to actually talk) all the way to me overly understanding whatever the silence is telling me on the other end. A little tip for those out there that seem to run into this guilt-filled situation: MAKE SURE YOUR PHONE IS ON SILENT.
4. Signing into someone else’s Netflix, Spotify or PandoraOne
I am on the other side of this coin as there is a person out there in the world that knows my Pandora One (yes I still use this) password and logs on every single day changing my damn pre-populated station to “The Neptunes”. At first I thought I had the perfect way to get back at this music menace and that was to switch the station to Justin Bieber or Glee in the hopes that while this evil person was jamming out with their friends the switch would occur and they would be overly embarrassed. About three months, four passwords and a shit-tone of ads geared towards the fact that I listen to Justin Bieber I gave up on trying to figure out what was going on. I lost the battle but you can bet your bottom dollar (another popular morning choice of mine) that I have not given up on the war.
5. Returning anything a L.L. Bean
The lifetime guarantee at L.L. Been still feels too good to be true and unfortunately it sets up the perfect opportunity for exploitation for those of us that have returned a backpack or two where the mystery behind the broken zipper may not be as mysterious as we play out. I try hard not to feel guilty about this situation as it is the core of L.L. Bean’s corporate mission but I still can’t look the clerk in the eyes when I hand back my monogrammed yellow and black backpack in hopes to get the red one because my personal favorite color has changed over the past school year.
Ok… well I feel better now that I got all of that off my chest. Cheers to me attempting to stop cutting corners!