1. When your mom leaves you in line at the grocery store to “grab something she forgot”… without a form of payment
I blame my mother for my extreme anxiety because of the torture she used to put me through at the grocery store. Let me set the scene… you are being the best daughter ever, neatly stacking the groceries on the conveyer built, trying to put them up there as quick as you can so you can get to the real fun… bagging, when all of a sudden your mom says “darn, I forgot the bread”. You don’t think anything of it at the time because you are trapped between your cart and the woman’s cart in front of you and the only thing you can think of is that you can now sneak a pack of gum on the belt while your mom is gallivanting in carbs. About 30 seconds into your gum-themed daydream the sound of a check being ripped out of a check book calls your attention as the woman in front of you has now completed her transaction and your groceries start to cross the threshold only to be stopped by the scanner for a brief second. You look up at the cashier in pure horror because your mother, the woman who is supposed to love you unconditionally has left you moneyless and hopeless for what seems to be hours to find bread which is clearly labeled to be molding in aisle 7. As you try to hide your panic you begin to calculate the amount of time you have left before you either start crying or jump the conveyer belt and sprint out of the store. You calculate that you only have about 45 seconds left and while standing on your tip toes peering over the US Weekly wall you realize the line behind you has gotten longer… this my friends is what I call the point of no return. You then start to convince yourself “she wouldn’t really leave me like this, right? she wouldn’t leave me to fend for myself? She has to be coming back.” And as the cashier gets to the very last items and searches the apple for a 4-digit number on the sticker you hear a familiar voice that resembles that of the devil becoming an angel… your mom. For all that is holy she is back, she found the god damn bread and she hands over her credit card like it’s no big thing and you wipe your brow, take your first breath and casually slip the packet of gum into your back pocket. For all the distress she has caused you, you deserve that gum.
2. When you send a text to the wrong person
I believe in karma for one reason and one reason only; when I am talking shit about someone via text I absolutely, no question about it, send that shit-talking text to the person I am shit talking. I don’t know what it is about my brain that wants me to torture myself but I guess I deserve it and I guess it’s my own personal way of trying to teach myself a lesson. My sophomore year of college I received a text from this man, let’s call him Brett, asking me if I wanted to grab lunch with him. Not a big deal but I wasn’t feeling it because in college I’m 99.9% sure I was scared shitless of dating. So I did what any normal 20 year old would do and I texted my girlfriend, let’s call her Jen, the following text message…
Jen! That kid just asked me to lunch and in no way am I going to suffer through that for an hour. Give me an excuse of why I can’t make it… stomach bug? death in the family?….
And as close to being at the top of the largest drop in roller coaster history my stomach beat my mind in realizing what I had just done. The moral of the story is that Brett and I never went to lunch… shocker… but he did call me and text me to remind me of ho much of an immature bitch I was, a reminder that I very clearly did not need. That was the second time I lost all hope.
3. When your only prospect is taken from you…