11 Ways to Survive the Holidays… Single

1. Avoid eye contact with all family members over the age of 45. I don’t know what it is about that age but it seems to trigger the pathetic look and all-to-often used question, “any boys in your life?” Just keep your eyes on the bacon. (No really… just look for the bacon on the food table… it’ll help!)

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2. Stay far away from picture-perfect backdrops. This will ensure that you do not run into an overly loving couple just waiting for a single sloth to come their way to snap their oh-so-perfect Instgram post. This includes the tree at Rockefeller Center, any parade, Company party, etc. #LoveFilter #BestFriend #Holidays #LoveHim #ManCrushEveryday

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3. Block all people that use any of the hashtags in #2.

4. Make up a perfect guy you are “seeing”. I’d aim for the astronaut or the doctor as they would have valid excuses for not making it to the family holiday party. If you are asked for a full name, date of birth, mother’s maiden name or social security number form either set of grand parents refer back to step #1.

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5. Remove that Michael Bolton Holiday CD (not that we have CDs anymore but it ads to the vision) and replace it with Beyonce’s Single Ladies. Duh. If you were dating someone you probably wouldn’t have enough time to learn the entire dance… remind yourself of that!

6. Remember that your barista loves you and will miss you over the Holidays.

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7. Convince yourself you are building an empire and working on your fitness. Now actually go to the gym and work on your fitness. Beach season is the new cuffing season.

8. Make a list of all the famous people in the world who are your age and are also single. Taylor Swift for instance… now her and I just need to be on the same page with selecting friends.

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9. Use words like “locked down” & “ball and chain” in place of “better half” or “love of my life.

10. Scroll through your Facebook profile. There is bound to be some bully from high school posting holiday photos with her 10 kids and three baby daddys. Remember… it could always be worseeeeeeee.

11. And if all else fails… Call your single girlfriends, find a fire place, add extra Baily’s whipped cream on your hot chocolate and put Love Actually on repeat… just know there will always be Tinder next year.

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What’s Your Type of Guy?

What’s your type? What keeps you coming back for more? Is it intelligence? Is it personality? Is it potential for future success? Is it what your friends say?

Wait. Are we talking boys here or are we talking social media platforms? Oh buckle up tweeks, we are talking both. Let’s face our closet Cosmopolitan obsession and breakdown boyfriend “types” in comparison to their eerie similar social media platforms. If you have any other similarities put them in the comments… I’d love to see what kinds of fish in the sea I haven’t tried yet. 😉

Facebook: The Obsessed Boyfriend

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With the recent buzz about Facebook’s privacy holes this was a no brainer. Now I know women get the “overly obsessed” and “snoopy” stereotypes before boys but let’s be serious people… when a girl leaves her phone on the nightstand for too long you KNOW you take a peak. Know her password? You probably have plugged it into her email, Facebook, twitter, etc., just to see if you can gain access to those ever-so-coveted message conversations. Oh is that a naked pic of another man on her phone? Welp… sucks he put his face in the photo (amateur) because now it’s being turned into a meme. Payback is a bitch. These obsessed boyfriends always start the conversations with the same questions; What are you doing? Where are you going? Who are you going with?… oh I’m sorry… are you my father? Nahhhh didn’t think so. BUT there is something great about someone who cares so much about you that they are watching your every move… cue the Vampires.

Twitter: The Quiet Boyfriend

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Alright ladies, this can go one of two ways. Either the boy is a quiet hero or he literally just doesn’t have anything to say. You know that heartthrob in movies? The jock that is quiet, nice and smart but doesn’t say much? There is so much more to him and it takes a cute farmer’s daughter who loves reading to truly understand him? THIS my friend is the goal. THIS is the perfect “quiet boyfriend.” On the other end of things if a boy is quiet because there is not more to the story than that kind relationship is less than ideal. That’s cool he talks about going to the gym, what he just ate and sends you awesome muscle-mirror pics but let’s be honest here there are a million people just like him. Rules to live by #234: If you don’t have anything deeper to say… don’t say anything at all.

Google+: The Super Social Boyfriend

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Ever meet a guy that is good at everything? Knows everyone and just likes to be part of all of the conversations? Yeah… me neither BUT he must exist somewhere cause my friend posts photos of herself and him at EVERY. SINGLE. EVENT. in the city on the reg. Ugh hate her. Kidding. But not really. Dabbling in a lot of different activities is a great way to meet new people and that is exactly what this guy does. He is a sports junkie, an adrenaline seeker loves to cook and tickles the ivories on occasion. One night you are talking to his friends in cooking class and the next you are high-fiving after Gronkowski’s ninth touchdown of the season. He is the connector. The center of the social web in which you are now involved so roll up your sleeves, throw on that eye black and just enjoy the ride. He just gets better with time.

Instagram: The Boyfriend that Taylor Swift Writes About

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You knew T Swift had dated your boyfriend when she wrote, “some indy record that’s much cooler than mine.” I may even go as far as to call this guy a hipster. I mean he has 20-15 vision and ALWAYS has those dark rimmed glasses on. Don’t get me wrong (I’m just bitter about the breakup and can’t write a song like my girl TS so I am blogging about it) the relationship with this guy is good. He is calculated in his words. Almost like he filters his thoughts. Abbreviating and the over-use of “rad” are common occurrences. There are many sides to him and he tends to attract a lot of attention from other women. When grabbing coffee on more than one occasion he will be talking to you and then another female will come right into the conversation and completely change the topic of conversation. Like no! I don’t want to know how to make more money of the side and get rich fast… but thanks. (Mean girl snark then turn your back).

Stumbleupon: The Guy That Just Showed Up Out of Nowhere

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Every single time I get on an airplane I fantasize that maybe this time (unlike the past 1932323253 flights) a cute guy will be the one that has the 17A to my 17B. It has never happened. But if it ever did he would be THIS guy. The one that fate just happened to help you find. A guy that turns a normal day into an extraordinary one. He appeared out of nowhere and though he isn’t sitting in first class (too perfect) he is back in coach with you (hopefully because he gave up his first class seat to a pregnant lady like a gentleman). Before you are ordered to shut your phone off you send a quick text to your 30+ girlfriends and act cool. Trying to take your jacket off and facing potential awkwardness of getting it stuck half way off of you will not do… You will deal with the heat and claustrophobia because this is a once in a lifetime find. Let’s just hope this is a seven-hour flight and not a 30 minute puddle jumper… that would be a waste.